It didn't work

I went ahead and got my blood work done today. IVF didn't work. I am not talking to anyone now. We will call you when we are up for it.

Cat Appreciation Day 2010!!!

This Saturday marked the girls two year anniversary of being Mitchell cats!!! Don was out of town Saturday, so we held off our party until Sunday. There was great debate about what we should call our party. We couldn’t call it a “Birthday Party,” because it wasn’t the cats’ birthday. We also could not call it an “Adoption Party,” because that sounds like we were planning to adopt them out. In the end “Cat Appreciation Day,” was decided as our best option. After all, it was a party to show the cats how loved they are!

It may sound easy to plan a party for a set of cats, but in all reality what cats find enjoyable at a party is quite different than what I would find enjoyable at a party. For instance…
Lucy and Bella do not like music
Lucy and Bella will only eat one brand of act food and nothing else (no cake, ice-cream, salmon, tuna, steak, nothing!)
Lucy and Bella are afraid of all humans except for me, Don and Kristen
Lucy and Bella do like other animals
Lucy and Bella do not like other cats
Lucy and Bella will drink only water (no spiked punch bowel)
As often as the girls play dress up, they really hate it so getting new party dresses was out of the question (Per Don!)
Lucy and Bella often ignore the presents we buy for them
Lucy and Bella would rather sleep than party
Lucy is deathly afraid of balloons

Our party for them mainly consisted of me making them individualized party hats. Bella’s hat was pink with roses and had a big B on it, while Lucys’ hat was yellow with sunflowers and had a big L. The girls got to enjoy their presents. Both girls got matching light pink sequined collars with a large pink flower on them. They also a new bag of Natural Balance 100% organic cat food (the only food they will eat,) and a cat nip plant to share. Don and I got home made burritos and peanut butter cookie cupcakes with chocolate frosting.

Although the “party’ was short lived I think the girls knew how appreciated and loved they are. They are our little angels and we couldn’t imagine life without them!!!

The top photo is Bella in her pink party hat, followed by Lucy in her yellow party hat. Next is girls getting into the cat nip! Lastly are our little girls pooped from their big party day. Bella is sleeping in the green chair and Lucy is passed out on the purple blanket.

I know that to some it seems cheesy to be so hung up on our girls, but for now they are our children and we love them. They bring us daily joy and unconditional love.

For those of you wondering what is up on the baby front I don’t know what to say. Things don’t look good. In fact, they look awful but we won’t know for sure until tomorrow afternoon. I already know though...

I was put back on bed rest yesterday, but I have a mandatory education day at work today I can’t miss. Ed days consist of sitting and hearing mandatory lectures for 8 hours, so it involves no physical activity. I know that sounds like I am a “bad mom,” or “not doing everything possible for my potential babies,” but you have to understand I have pretty much been on some sort of bed rest for a month. At this point I am at serious risk for losing my job. That is the last thing we can afford. In the past two years I have missed more work than I can tell you, all in the name of trying to get pregnant! My boss is kind, but she can’t keep an employee who is never there!

Yesterday was my first day back and I only made it 6 hours through my shift before my bleeding got so bad I had to go home. I called ORM from work. I was hysterical. The RN said “You have to understand, ½ of women bleed on Progesterone and Estrodil. It still may have worked. You are back on bed rest because there is the possibility they are un-implanting. Just think, even if this doesn’t work you still have all of your frozen embryos! Your young and you can try again…” Thanks RN… I know my body. I know what is happening. I don't need the blood test tomorrow. We failed IVF.

We have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years. I am a mess. Please pray for us. I am not answering phone calls for now, but I love you all.

Embryo Transfer

We had our embryo transfer on Monday morning. In the morning I received a phone call from ORM that of the 10 eggs that had survived fertilization only 4 were still growing and had developed to either the blastocyte or morocyte stage of development. The rest had all stopped developing (aka they died.) I started crying about that point and didn’t stop until yesterday…

I got to the office a little early for acupuncture and began chugging my quart of Gatoraide and relaxing with the Valium I was given. In order for Dr.Hessla to be able to thread the catheter through my cervix and ensure the embryos are in the right place it was essential that my bladder was full. In the IVF class they showed us pictures of empty bladders and how the catheter would bend on its way to the cervix. The fear with this is that the embryos will not make it to the uterus. So, to ensure my bladder was extra full I also started drinking 1 hour prior to arrival and held to the best of my ability. About ½ hour prior to going back to the OR suite the RN scanned my bladder, determined it was too full and sent me to the bathroom with two Dixie cups to “relieve myself.” I did and returned to bed. Then Dr.Hessla arrived. My bladder was checked again and remained too full. Back to the bathroom with two Dixie cups! About 15 minutes later I was in the OR and fully prepped for transfer! My name band was checked and embryos identified! Then, again, the bladder check. Once again I was kicked out of bed and back to the bathroom with my Dixie cups.

When I returned to the OR it was established that my bladder was “just right” and they put my two babies in! The whole procedure took 10 minutes and I was whisked back to Don and Amy the acupuncturist. I received another acupuncture treatment to ensure that there was lots of blood flow to my uterus. Upon completion I was given a picture of my babies and wheeled to the car with the order “strict bed rest for two days.”

We had brought the blow up mattress downstairs so I had a nice little bed with lots of fluffy pillows. Don and I ate nachos, watched TV and enjoyed our sweet cats.
Tuesday morning came the next update on our babies from ORM. Of the two blastocytes that were not implanted in me only one made it through the night. Generally in traditional “fresh embryo” IVF two embryos are implanted and with “frozen” three are utilized because they are such poor quality. The embryologist asked “Do you still want us to freeze it,” with the obvious implication, ‘You know you won’t get pregnant with only one of these.’ As expected my tears returned and I told her yes, we would still freeze. I think she could tell I was sad, so to motivate me she said “Just think, if one of them made it through the night here than there is probably still one alive in you.” Thanks lady. That really made me feel better, B**CH!

Yesterday I had to return to school. To say that I was not up to facing the world is an understatement. Luckily I have a girlfriend at school who has been through this whole process. When we were talking my tears returned again. I unloaded on her everything I was thinking, feeling, ect. It was nice to have someone who understands this. She pointed out to me that studies have been done comparing the stress levels and feelings of hopelessness that fertility patients feel with those suffering terminal disease. Not surprisingly the results were the same. She also reminded me that Progesterone makes woman highly emotional. That made me feel so much better!

So, if I had to guess I bet that the majority of those reading this have no idea why I am so distraught right now, so I will give a little insight into where my brain is right now. Although we have a great chance of this IVF round working I am still terrified it won't work. I always had in my mind that is was not our last step. Our last step would be that if this round didn't work we would use our frozen embryos. Now that I know there is only one embryo left, this has become "the last step" in my mind.

Since I was a child I have always wanted to be a mom. I have wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world. I remember being a little girl and tending to our dog Samantha. Everyday I dressed her in a different outfit and gave her tons of hugs and kisses. I would take her pictures wearing various outfits and plaster them on my walls to show my love for sweet Samantha Jane. I remember my grandma visiting and she said to me, “Kerry, you are going to be such a great mom! Look how attentive you are to your dog. Your kids are going to be so lucky to have you!”

In high school I worked part-time in at a daycare in the newborn nursery. After college I spent one year teaching Wednesday night Bible study (our version of Sunday school) to autistic kids and another year teaching 4th graders. In South Florida I worked on in-patient pediatric psychiatric unit. Currently am a Pediatric RN working on my Peds Psych NP.

The entire reason I became an RN was because I knew RNs worked three days a week. While my friends went into business, finance, psychology, art, ect my mind was focused on brining in enough money I could send my imaginary children to college and be a stay at home. My thought was, “That’s a great job! I can take off a few years to have babies and then go back to work full time, but still only three days a week!”

Before Don and I got married my only question was, “Can we have lots of babies.” He said he was up for two, not my 3 or 4, but that was okay. I knew once he met our darlings he would want a house full!

When Don’s dad met me the first thing he said to Don was, “Kerry strikes me as a girl that really wants babies.” That was after a lengthy conversation about my cat Cleofus Jane Mahoney Mitchell III!

After getting married Don and I agreed South Florida was no place to raise a child and Parent’s magazine said Portland is the best city for families (and we love Portland and Don got a full ride at OHSU!) so we moved out here. After a little over 1 year of marriage I was beginning to suspect something was wrong, but we still decided we needed a home for our little one. We picked the best house in the best neighborhood with the best schools for our baby.

Basically, every decision I have made since I was 17 years old has been to prepare a life with children. I can’t imagine a life without kids and we are not open to adoption.

IVF is the end of the road in the fertility world and our chances of this round working are promising.

However, if this IVF round does not work our chances of getting pregnant with one frozen embryo are almost nonexistent. This means we will have to start all over again with another IVF cycle. We don’t have the money. I know that we still don’t know if this round worked, but I am so desperate. I have never wanted anything so badly. I hope I don’t sound negative. I am scared. Please pray for us.

My pregnancy test is next Wednesday and we are on edge! If it is positive I will post our first baby picture!!!

Rest and Relaxation… Kind of!!!

We have good news! 10 eggs fertilized! I started out with 35 follicles, they got 10 mature eggs and 10 fertilized! It amazes me how quickly the numbers go down. I keep getting asked, “What will you do with your extra embryos.” My answer is, “What extra embryos?” Even at this point, 10 fertilized eggs will probably only make it to 5 blastocytes (5day old embryos). 2 of those will be implanted and the other 3 will go on ice. If this IVF round does not work, we will use the 3 frozen embryos and have no embryos left.

I received a new calendar for my meds. Although I am not on as many drugs as I was previously, the regimen is more complicated because it changes daily so I have to pay very close attention. I was hoping to avoid injections for a little while, but I had to start them back up last night. This time they are all IM! Owe!

I remain on bed rest until next Wednesday morning, but in my typical Kerry fashion I am way too stir crazy for that! Being out of work for 3 weeks and having limited outtings is driving me up the wall! This past Wednesday, the day of the egg harvest, I stayed in bed the entire day. I felt lousy and really didn’t want to do anything. I am on “modified bed rest” to decrease my risk of hyperstim and because my ovaries are so big they could flip over and strangle themselves. I am keeping my activity very low and drinking tons of fluid. I pee every hour and waddle like a duck!

Thursday life resumed a little. I have clinicals pre-scheduled for every Thursday and I know my preceptor (Brooke the greatest PMHNP EVER!!!!) would have supported me 100% if I wanted to stay home, but I also know I have a limited amount of time to get my hours done and clinicals are not strenuous! It really amazes me how different working in a mental health office is different from hospital work. When I work the Peds floors I spend my day running from room to room, putting out little fires, hugging kidos and badgering doctors. In the clinic I mostly sit, listen and enjoy free lunches from drug reps. Everyday in clinicals I learn something new and I really love the clients. As different as they are I leave both of them exhausted, but in totally different ways!

Friday Don had school in the morning, but the afternoon free. We decided to head out to the Woodburn Tulip Festival. I have made it there the past 2 years and we really wanted to keep it a tradition. Woodburn is about 1 hour south of us and spectacularly beautiful. They have acres and acres of every tulip imaginable. Also, since I am on “bedrest” it really requires minimal activity to wander around tulips! Being in the tulip fields reminded me how much I love everything about Oregon. I love that each season has new festivals, flowers, weather and traditions.

Last night Don and I had a lazy night watching TV and today he is off to work. I will hang out around the house, read, snuggle with cats, ect. Tomorrow is another open house so I hope to clean a little but my mobility is still very restricted. My abdomen is so tender and distended that I can’t bend or lift anything. Going up the stairs is almost impossible. I can’t believe how much pain I am still in and I am a little resentful that ORM sent me home with “mild cramping.” This is in no way mild cramping! It doesn’t matter though. I will take all the “mild cramping” in the world for our little darlings!

Monday we go in for our implantation! We have our acupuncturist meeting us there for pre and post implant treatment. Dr. Hessla actually recommends acupuncture. There have been all sorts of studies that show increased success with it. Don and I have both been receiving treatments and we really like it. We will get to the office around 9:30 and hopefully be done by 11. The entire implant only takes a few minutes, but I have to lie flat for an hour afterwards. Then, the rest of Monday and all of Tuesday I am on strict, strict bed rest.

I am so excited! We have planned this for so long. Our time is finally here!

Egg Harvest Wednesday!!!

This week we have made a lot of progress towards starting a family!

Starting last Thursday Dr. Hessla increased my appointments for blood work and ultrasounds from every other day to daily. So every morning I awoke and went to his office to check on my follicle growth. We knew the egg harvest would be this week, so on Monday Don came with me to the appointment so we could find out together the exact day that our babies would be made. I was thinking he would say Friday or Saturday, but Dr. Hessla said I was so stimulated that he wanted my egg harvest to be on Wednesday! Don and I were ecstatic for many reasons. The primary reason we were happy is because Don has a mandatory conference he has to attend for school in Phoenix next week, so we were walking into this thinking he wouldn’t even be here for my implant. However with the Wednesday egg harvest my embryos will be placed back on Monday so Don will be there for the whole thing!

Dr. Hessla gave us very exact instructions for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to get my HCG injection at midnight on Monday night. It was very important to get the injection at the precise time because HCG is what triggers ovulation 36 hours later. This whole cycle I have been taking drugs to stimulate my eggs to produce lots of follicles and taking drugs to keep me from ovulating before I was in the OR. If I was to ovulate before getting to the OR all the eggs would be lost and this cycle would be a flop.

Monday night Don and I went out for a late dinner and watched HGTH until my midnight injection. Up until this point I have given myself all of the injections because they were subcutaneous. The HCG however had to be intramuscular, so Don got to give me a big shot in my butt. (One of the photos at the top is Don proudly holding the needle he was about to stab me with!).

After the HCG injection we went to bed and I stayed on bedrest on Tuesday. Once I was given the HCG shot my chance for ovarian hyperstimulation began. Hyperstimultaion is a somewhat complex medical condition that can result in a lot of different things, but the primary concern for us is that if I am to hyperstimluate they will not be able to do the embryo transfer. To reduce the risk of hyperstim I am supposed to do very minimal activity for the next two weeks, drinks lots and lots of Gartoraide (so gross) and eat a low potassium and sodium diet. I have to weigh myself twice daily and if I gain more than 10 pounds in 3 days I am in big trouble. Yes, I said 10 pounds in 3 days! That is the main way I will know that I have hyperstimulated and need medical intervention ASAP.

Dr.Hessla, being his usual funny self, told me to wear baggy clothes for comfort and expect lots of abdominal swelling. In response I told him, “I will live in my yoga pants.” As he was wandering out of the room he said “I have never seen you in yoga pants.” For whatever reason Don and I found that comment particularly amusing, especially because out of the 50 times I have seen Dr. Hessla I have only been wearing pants for two of the times!

This morning we got up and headed off for our big day! We got to the office around 9:45 and were lead back to pre-op about ½ hour later. It was really interesting because I got to see a whole section of the office I did not know existed. The way that ORM has the OR set up is that there is a window in the OR suite attached to the embryology lab. So as they took my eggs out they could literally hand them off to them embryologist!

The RN, anesthesiologist and doc all came in and introduced themselves. Today it was not Dr.Hessa doing harvests so I got to meet a new doctor, Dr. Barbari. I was pretty anxious and had lots of questions. They were all great, answering all of my questions and calming my nerves. Around 11am I got my IV in was whisked my off to the OR with a nice dose of Fentanyl and Versed. When we got to the OR the anesthesiologist hooked up my Propofol infusion and off I went to sleep.As I was sleeping Don supplied his sample and the baby making began!

I woke up about an hour later with some of the most intense pain I have ever felt and itching all over. I got a little more Fentanyl, some Benadryl and Sprite. Within an hour I was recovered and Don and I got to go home.

Dr.Barbari told us that while there were about 35 follicles, only 18 of them had eggs. The current plan is the embryologist will look at the eggs and fertilize all of the mature ones. We will not know until Monday when we return for the transfer how many fertilized or how many made it to the big 5 day blastocyte mark.
Since getting home I have been in excruciating pain. The docs said I may have some “mild cramping.” Well, that was a load of crap! Right now my pain is under control, but I have been sucking down Oxy and Vicoden all afternoon.

We took some pictures at the office today to show our future children all about the day they were made. I have to say it is a little surreal sitting at home thinking that our future children are currently growing in carefully monitored petri-dishes!

Thank you all for all of the support, e-mails, phone calls, ect. These past few weeks I have just felt so awful that I have not been up to returning phone calls. I don’t want anyone to ever think that I am ignoring them. This process has been so emotionally and physically exhausting that I just haven’t felt up to talking to anyone, but we love you all.

Please keep our family your prayers and I will hopefully have an exciting up date next week!

Happy Easter!

I am off from work for three weeks starting last Friday and my gosh I need everyone of these days off! Don and I planned this round of IVF very carefully, taking into account spring break from school, union blocks for vacation requests, imaginary baby due date, ect. I took this week off thinking, “just in case I have a weird reaction to my meds.” Well, I NEEDED this week off. When we paid for IVF one of the lines of our bill stated “5 ultrasounds, progesterone and estrodiol levels.” I knew that meant I would have ultrasounds and blood work, but I never questioned when that would be. It turns out that meant that every other day I am in their office for ultrasounds and blood work. All appointments are in the morning and then I get a call in the afternoon with my levels and specific instructions on how to tweak my meds. Sometimes it is “Go from Gonal-F 150 units down to 112 units” or “Tomorrow change your Menopur from 2 vials to 1.” I just go along with what they say at this point. I am finally at the point where the hormonal manipulation is beyond me just enough that I can stop thinking of this clinically and just think of this as a unique way of getting pregnant!

Besides having such frequent appointments the meds have distended my abdomen greatly and I am exhausted all the time. I look pregnant and I am using a belly band to stay in my clothes. My belly is sore, but not unbearable. Dr.Hessla said by the time I have my egg retrieval (probably next Wednesday or Thursday) my abdomen will be huge and very tender. Physiologically what is happening is the follicles in my ovaries are getting very large so they can be aspirated. What happens to my belly after the retrieval depends on if I get pregnant. According to Dr. Hessla if the embryos take my follicles will refill with fluid and I will remain distended. If I don’t get pregnant my belly will go back to its usually chunky size.

School started back up this week and this semester will be a tough one. I am taking a therapy course which goes over the four major thoughts behind the therapeutic process and how to incorporate it with your patients. Followed by that I have supervision to discuss clinicals. My clinical placement has not changed and I am grateful for that. I am working in a community mental health clinic with a wide variety of patients. I really love community mental health and can see myself working in this setting long-term. I just don’t think private practice will be the place for me.

Lastly I have pharmacology. This is the first of the 3 main pharm courses I have to take and I can already feel this is going to kick my butt! Just looking at the reading I am overwhelmed. I keep reminding myself I did fine in pharm when I was 19 years old and had no clue what was going on in the world. At least now I have lots of practical professional experience with these drugs, but it is still daunting!

Please keep us in your thoughts this week. Don is feeling very discouraged with the house. Although we are having showings everyone hates our upstairs. I agree. The upstairs is not all that next to the downstairs, but we don’t have the money to raise the roof, put in hardwood, move walls or do any of the other things that would make it more appealing.

Also one of my favorite family members may be coming to visit!!! I don't want to say who because I know he reads this and I don't want him to feel pressured because he has a lot going on right now. Still please pray that this man comes out to see us because I miss him a lot and I know we won't be able to meet up for another year. (Again, no pressure M but we really want to see you!!!)

Anyways, happy Easter and we love you all!